So Why Do I Feel So Sad?.................

Why is it that when we're in a relationship and for one reason or another the relationship ends,we just can't let go?? That is my current dilemma, 5 years , 2 kids and now it's over and for some reason i keep thinking there is something i can do to fix it, although the majority of the reasons for the breakup this time is his fault.Don't get me wrong I've done my share of things in the beginning of the relationship as i was growing up,but over the past 5 years I've grown up and matured from the childish girl i once was.But as many things as I've changed over the years deep down I'm still the same person, I've just gotten better. Back to my dilemma why can't i just let him go and move on and be happy? I'm MISERABLE right now.There i said it. I do well at masking my pain daily but when I'm alone in the dark, I'm a mess. Why am i so sad?? He's cheated continuously, lied to my face and called me everything under the sun, but i still want to be with this man.Some people would call me crazy ,Some might say I'm just in Love,whatever it is i now i don't like this feeling. Since i was a child, I've always wanted to have a family with a husband and kids .I thought i was well on my way to it, but he's made it clear lately that "He's not the Family Type". Ain't that some shit you would think that he would have gotten hip to the family game over the last 5 years, But i guess not. I just really feel used. I fell like i gave up everything for this man who promised to love me and take care of me and now I'm on my own, cause he's feeling like he's old because he has responsibilities. Fuck Him because I'm one hell of a woman. I can cook, clean, and I'm one hell of a mother and he says he appreciates and recognizes all those things about me so what the hell is the problem?????

I'M TIRED,TIRED,TIRED,TIRED. EVERY TIME I THINK I'M GETTING SOMEWHERE IT ONLY GETS PUSHED BACK 10 STEPS. I CAUGHT HIM LAST WEEK COMING IN FROM SPENDING TIME WITH SOME FEMALE, I BRING IT TO HIS ATTENTION AND I TELL HIM I DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED WITH HIMAND I WANNA BE ALONE. HE'S BEEN SLEEPING IN THE LIVING ROM SINCE THEN. BUT TODAY I GET AN EMAIL FROM A GIRL ON MYSPACE SAYING THAT HE'S CHEATING ON ME WITH SOMEONE WHO HAPPENS TO BE ON MY FRIENDSLIST. NOW IF THI AIN'TA SMACK IN THE DAMN FACE I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS? I'M AT THE POINT WHERE I'M READY TO DO HIM HARM IT JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE.

UNSURE.......

IS THIS INSECURITY THAT I'M FEELING? I CATCH MYSELF WATCHING HIS EVERY MOVE AND ALWAYS THINKING THAT HIS MOVEMENTS ARE SNEAKY AND THAT HE'S UP TO SOMETHING. I THINK I'M JUST AT THE END OF MY ROPE WITH THIS WHOLE RELATIONSHIP. I'M TIRED OF FEELING LIKE EVERY DECISION HE MAKES LEAVES ME IN THE BACKGROUND, OR WHEN I SAY SOMETHING IT'S NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO GARNER A SERIOUS RESPONSE OR A RESPONSE AT ALL.I'M READY TO THROW IN THE TOWEL, BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I CAN BE APPRECIATED AND TREATED BETTER ELSEWHERE, BUT IT'S EASIER SAID THAN DONE. I REALLY STAY BECAUSE I DO LOVE HIM, AND BECAUSE HE'S THE FATHER OF MY KIDS AND I'M REALLY NOT INTERESTED IN HAVING TO GET TO KNOW SOMEONE NEW AND THEN HAVING TO INTRODUCE THEM TO MY CHILDREN. I DON'T REALLY WANT TO HAVE ANYONE AROUND MY CHILDREN BUT THEIR FATHER. BUT IN TRYING TO SHELTER MY KID'S, AM I LOSING MYSELF???? AM I BEING FAIR TO MYSELF BY NOT ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE HAPPY BY GOING OUT AND MEETING SOMEBODY WHO WILL TREAT ME THE WAY I WANT TO BE TREATED????? HE USED TO DO IT BUT HE DOESN'T ANYMORE, SO IS THROWING IN MY TOWEL THE ANSWER OR SHOULD I WAIT FOR A CHANGE?? 4 YEARS , 2 KIDS LATER AND I DON''T SEE MARRIAGE ANYWHERE IN THE NEAR FUTURE, I KNOW WE'RE STILL YOUNG BUT I REALLY FEEL LIKE IF I STAY, 4 MORE YEARS ILL GO BY AND I'LL STILL JUST BE THE GIRLFRIEND/BABY MAMA AND I CAN'T GIVE UP ANYMORE TIME IF THIS ISN'T GONNA GO ANYWHERE. BECAUSE IN 4 MORE YEARS, WITH SOMEONE NEW I'M SURE I'LL BE AT LEAST ENGAGED. WHAT DO I DO?????

FATHER'S DAY........

I GUESS TODAY IS LIKE EVERY OTHER DAY I COMPLAIN ABOUT ALL YEAR,WHEN IT COMES TO THIS RELATIONSHIP HE'S JUST NOT HERE AGAIN.I'M HERE AGAIN, HOME WITH THE KIDS BECAUSE HE'S OUT CHASING SOME REALITY SHOW DREAM OF BEING A MEDIA MOGUL. IT'S NOT LIKE HE DIDN'T GO TO THE SAME CASTING CALL YESTERDAY, BUT HE DIDN'T DO SO WELL YESTERDAY SO HE HAD TO GO BACK TODAY, ON FATHER'S DAY WHEN HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN SPENDING TIME AT HOME WITH HI SKIDS. BUT HE DOESN'T CARE SO WHY SHOULD I?? I GOT WHAT I WANTED OUT OF THE DEAL, MY KID'S . SO IF HE DOESN'T HAVE THE TIME TO SPEND WITH THEM THAT'S FINE ,THEY'RE GONNA LOVE ME FOR ALL I DO FOR THEM AND ALL THE SACRIFICES I MAKE FOR THEM. BUT THEY'LL RESENT HIM LATER. HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

THE END OF MY ROPE.......................

I'M REALLY STARTING TO BECOME FED UP WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP, I'M REALLY AT ATHE END OF MY ROPE. IT SEEMS LIKE YEAR IN AND YEAR OUT FOR THE LAST 4 YEARS WE'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH THE SAME OLD THING. HE SWEARS HE'S NOT CHEATING BUT YET I ALWAY CATCH HIM EITHER TEXT MESSAGING OR CALLING SOME FEMALE. BUT TODAY IT WAS DIFFERENT , HE GOT HIP TO THE FACT THAT I GO THROUGH HIS PHONE AND CATCH HIM , SO NOW I SEE HES DELETED EVERYTHING IN HIS PHONE FROM TEXT MESSAGES,TO HIS CALL HISTORY. WHEN I WAKE HIM UP TO ASK HIM WHO IT IS THT HE'S DEALING WITH BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S SOMEBODY, HE TELLS ME THAT I'M BUGGING AND THAT HE'S NOT THINKING ABOUT ANY FEMALE BUT IT DOESN'T SIT RIGHT WITH ME AT LL. BECAUSE MY THING IS, IF YOUR'E NOT DOING ANYTHING THAT I WOULD THINK WAS INAPPROPRIATE THEN WHY ERASE EVERYTHING OUT OF YOUR PHONE BEFORE YOU GET HOME? AS IF THERE WAS SOMETHING IN THERE THAT I WOULDN'T BE TOO HAPPY ABOUT SEEING? HE THINKS HE'S SMART BUT I HAVE A TRICK FOR HIM. TO SAY I'M TIRED OF THIS RELATIONSHIP IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT. I'M TIRED OF FEELING LIKE I'M TRYING TO HOLD A NIGGA DOWN AND NOTHING I DO IS GOOD ENOUGH. IT'S GOING ON 4 YEARS AND I SEE THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING NOWHERE. I ASK ABOUT MARRIAGE HE ASKS ME WHAT MARRIAGE MEANS TO ME? AS IF HE' TRYING TO THROW ME OFF THE SUBJECT. I HONESTLY HAVE 1 MORE YEAR LEFT IN ME MAYBE LESS AND THEN I'M DONE. BUT HONESTLY I CAN'T EVEN SAY 1 YEAR BECAUSE IF I CATCH HIM CHEATING AGAIN IT'S OVER I JUST CAN'T KEEP GOING THROUGH THIS ANYMORE I HAVE CHILDREN TO TAKE CARE OF AND THEY DESERVE BETTER. I WOULD RATHER MY CHILDREN SEE ME HAPPY ALONE OR HAPPY WITH SOMEONE ELSE, THEN LETTING THEM SEE ME MISERABLE WITH THEIR FATHER.